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| photo by Pedro Ribeiro Simões |
Tattered marriages can become healthy again if both parties recommit, even ones damaged by adultery, but the only people who can determine whether a broken union can be saved are the husband and wife themselves. So before trying to win his wife back, a man must first honestly ask himself if the marriage is even salvageable. What was the reason she left? If there was infidelity, genuine forgiveness must occur or divorce may actually be the best option.
Win Back My Wife
At one time, a wife loved her man enough to make a vow of lifetime commitment. What made things sour, and what did a husband do to contribute to the demise of his marriage? Was he a control freak? Did he war with her over finances, sex or in-laws? Was it neglect for her feelings and interests? Was there an insistence on her becoming someone she didn't want to be? Did his efforts to love her miss the mark?
"Long before any decision is made to 'fool around' or walk out on a partner, a fundamental change has begun to occur in the relationship," says family therapist and author Dr. James Dobson in his book Love Must be Tough (Word Publishing, 1996). One spouse "begins to devalue the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped in a relationship with someone he or she no longer respects."
Though a husband in such a situation may feel extreme pain and rejection by a spouse who no longer respects him, his response at this precise moment greatly influences her decision to stay or leave. She most likely needs breathing room from her husband, and he would be wise to give it to her, even at the risk of further rejection. If she cannot choose her husband over an unhealthy friendship, affair or an addiction, she should be set free, painful as this may be to her husband. She may need to deal with the problem alone.
The issues that sank a marriage may not easily be rectified, but re-earning the respect of one's wife is critical to winning her back. A husband who desires to restore his marriage should strive for respect in every contact with his ex.
Getting Back Together
Many marriage therapists believe pornography negatively affects men's relationships to their wives. "Tragically, many men don't see using porn as a problem, and many believe it will 'spice up' their marriage," says counselor Dr. Bill Maier. "This couldn't be further from the truth." Many women feel inadequate and devalued when their husbands look at porn.
If a wife has left her marriage because of her husband's addiction to pornography, he needs to stop looking at it. If it is a deeply entrenched problem, marriage counselors specifically trained in this area are available.
Save a Marriage With the Five Love Languages
Oftentimes husbands demonstrate love to their wives in the manner they like to receive. If they live for words of admiration, they may assume she does, too, and lavish her with compliments. If they appreciate acts of service done for them, they may cut the grass or wash and change the oil in their wives' cars to show love. However, these husbands may be completely missing the mark if their wives don't experience love through these methods. According to Gary Chapman, who wrote The Five Love Languages (Northfield Publishing, 1995), people feel loved primarily through one of five ways:
- Words of affirmation
- Physical touch, like hugging and holding hands
- Receiving gifts
- Quality time
- Acts of service
One husband had completely driven his wife away through his years of business travel and neglect. She finally told him her feelings of love were dead but she wouldn't leave him because of their children. She would simply live in a separate bedroom of their home. He realized what he'd lost and vowed to win her back.
He wondered how to resurrect his marriage when he remembered how much she loved freshly squeezed orange juice. The next morning he squeezed some oranges to make juice, leaving it on the kitchen counter for her breakfast. She didn't drink it, but he continued to do it every morning for months. Then one day he discovered the glass empty. He continued to make the orange juice for her, and she drank it every day, though they still did not communicate. Then one day she thanked him for what he was doing, and it was like a dam breaking. His quiet actions of love had finally reached her, opening up communication and a new beginning to their marriage two years after he'd squeezed his first orange.
It is possible for a husband to win back his wife by restoring respect to the relationship and rebuilding on a foundation of genuine caring. Other men have done it, and so can you.
Sources:
Dr. Dobson, James. Love Must be Tough. Nashville, Tennessee: Word Publishing, 1996.
Chapman, Gary. The Five Love Languages. Chicago, Illinois: Northfield Publishing, 1995.
FocusOntheFamily.com (accessed July 21, 2010).
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